ben_michael (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ben_michael) wrote2008-01-09 07:40 pm
ben_michael) wrote2008-01-09 07:40 pm
New Fic - Love Letter
Title: Love letter
Author: Foreverbm
Timeline: After season 5
Rating: PG - Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderful men, Showtime and Cowlip do, I just spend a lot of time in their heads.
Feedback and Comments welcomed.
Cross posted at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
queerasfolkfans and benmikey_fans
“Michael will you stop fussing please!”
Michael paused, looking at his husband.
“I am not fussing! Well, ok I am but you know what the doctor told you, you have to stay in bed for the next two days and I just want to make sure you’re comfortable” he replied, continuing to fluff the pillows and straighten out the bedcover,
“I would be more comfortable if you were in here with me!”
“Mmmm…….”
”Is that a yes?”
“I have to get ready to go to Hunter’s game!”
“I know baby….maybe an afternoon nap?”
“I think that could be arranged!”
Michael lent in, kissing Ben and found himself being pulled onto the bed.
“Later!” He managed to stammer out between kisses.
“Promise?”
“I promise!” He gave his husband a long deep kiss “Hold onto that while I’m gone” he whispered, climbing off the bed.
Michael grabbed his coat and scarf and headed to the door, then stopped, looking back at Ben.
“Stay in bed!”
“I will. I want to get some writing done”
“Good, I should be back in a few hours”
”Tell Hunter to play a good game!”
“I will. Love you”
“Love you too brown eyes”
Ben watched Michael leave the room, wishing he could go with him, but the bout of flu had knocked him about harder than he thought and he had to admit he wasn’t feeling up to standing at a basketball court for hours.
He picked up his writing and read back over the last chapter, making a few corrections here and there but his thoughts kept turning back to Michael.
My darling Michael,
I wonder if you know how much I truly love you. I know I say the words every day, but sometimes I worry that the depth of love I have for you comes through in those three little words.
I had never believed in love at first sight but the instant I saw you in your dusty comic book store I was lost and when you looked at me with your brown eyes that seemed to show the window to your soul, I just knew I had to find out everything about you.
Getting to know you was such a delightful experience, learning every small detail of your life made me want to know more, to imagine what you were like as a child, growing up, still unsure of yourself in many ways I think. That was something I loved about you from the start, the way you didn’t realize how beautiful you were, inside and out, how you seemed to have that self doubt about yourself. It made me want to wrap my arms around you and tell you that I would always be there for you, that I loved you just the way you were.
But none of that self doubt showed through when I told you I was positive. Your eyes showed no sign of disgust or fear at that moment, just concern and I thought love.
I know when the actual moment came though, your fears came closing in on you. I want you to know that I although I was hurt at that instant, and when you walked out the door, I did feel anger, it was not at you my love, never at you. It was at myself because I had done something so incredibly stupid years earlier which led to you being afraid, and I understood why you felt that way. You were faced with a situation you knew nothing about, but I had lived with it for so many years and it was a reaction I was used to.
When you came to me days later, wanting to begin again, I could see by your eyes that you had made that decision yourself, with no outside influences and I was so proud of you at the moment but I had to be sure.
All the courage that I knew you possessed came shining through, when you stood and sang to me. I could hear all the love that your eyes had shown from the moment we met in your voice.
Making love to you the first time will stay with me forever. You gave yourself to me completely, trusting me, reassuring me by your touch that this was what was meant to be. If I could have loved you more than I already did it would have been at that moment.
The memories of our first year together are filling my mind as I write this.
Listening to you telling me all about Captain Astro, giving me another precious glimpse into your childhood. Going with you to Mel and Lindsay’s wedding, allowing myself a glimmer of hope that one day this maybe us.
Not all the memories were good though. The feelings of hurt and I think in some ways betrayal you felt when you found out about Brian and I was something I wish hadn’t happened. I should have told you, I know that now, but the occasion never arose and then it was too late. You and Brian have such a history together, and I will always be thankful to him for being there for you while you grew up. He and I may not always see eye to eye, but he loves you, and to me, that makes him a good person and an important part of your life.
You stood up for me against everyone didn’t you my love. I saw you growing in confidence as each month passed but then I had to tear it all down in one instant. You had no idea how I was feeling when I walked into my apartment on the day of my birthday, and instead of taking you aside, explaining what was wrong, I exploded, humiliating you in front of your friends and family. That was unforgivable of me and if you had told me to leave when I came to apologize and explain I would have accepted it as my punishment for hurting you so much. But you understood, as you always do, you could see my fear and knew how to comfort me. You took my hand and led me to the bed, and we spent the night making love, our bodies wrapped in each other’s when we woke, the way I wanted to wake up with you every morning for the rest of my life.
Then, what I always feared happened. I ended up in the hospital. I knew you were there with me every moment, I could sense your presence, hear snatches of your voice. I wanted to wake up, to apologize for putting you through it all, but I didn’t have the strength. I just held onto the thought that you would still be there when I did wake and you were. You made jokes to hide your fear, which I could see so clearly in your eyes.
And how did I thank you for being there, sitting at my bedside day after day; by telling you I needed to go away! Could I have hurt you any more! You didn’t get angry or try to talk me out of it, you didn’t think of yourself just of me; what I wanted and needed. Why did it take me so long to realize that you were all I needed. I loved you but had some stupid idea that you would be better off without me in your life. I should have seen that without you by my side my life would have no meaning.
He paused, taking off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, before putting them back on and counting the pages full of words. Three pages! He had put their first year together in so many words yet there were still many more memories that he had left out. He glanced at the clock, amazed to see an hour had passed since Michael had left. He reached over and poured himself a glass of iced water from the jug Michael had left at his bedside, sipping it slowly, re-reading through what he had written.
That first year passed so quickly didn’t it. Then you asked me to move in with you. I almost suggested that we find our own place but I didn’t think you were ready for that yet. You had so many ties to Liberty Avenue, it had been your whole life for 30 years and although I felt our relationship was going to be forever we still had so much to still learn about each other.
You found out the hard way that I wasn’t the person you thought I was, didn’t you. The dark side of me came to the fore when Paul died. Taking meds every day never let me forget I had this disease but I had learnt to live with it up until that moment. I turned into someone that I hated, but couldn’t stop myself becoming, someone who with one word or look caused you so much pain and heartache. You were there for me, waiting for me to come to you, to talk to you, to tell you of my fears, but I had too much pride. I thought I could do it all alone. Sometimes when I walked up the stairs to our apartment I was terrified that when I opened the door you would be gone. If you had left I would have had no one to blame but myself. But you stayed. You put up with my dark moods, my insensitivity, my silences which cloaked our apartment in darkness even on the brightest days. In the moments when the steroids were not pumping through my veins, I asked myself why you stayed, but I already knew the answer; because you loved me and never lost hope that I would realize what I was doing was going to, not only destroy me, but destroy us as well.
Lying here writing this, I can see you so clearly; holding that needle to your wrist. Seeing the pain on your face, the tears brimming your eyes, hearing the anger and hurt in your words caused something to snap inside my head, making me finally understand that you thought I was worth dying for.
I hated myself and loved you so much at that moment it physically hurt. The strength you have inside that small compact frame never ceases to amaze me. It comes through in abundance when you are fighting for what you believe in. And you always believed in me; in us.
The ringing of the phone pulled him out of his reminiscences
“Hello”
“You still in bed?”
Ben couldn’t help but let a chuckle come through in his voice as he replied.
“Yes Michael, I’m still in bed, waiting patiently for your return”
“Good!”
“How’s the game going?”
“Great! Hunter’s team is 10 points ahead and looking good, from what I know about basketball that is!”
Ben laughed, an image of Michael standing on a basketball court, looking so out of place but still so damn adorable, flashing into his head.
“Tell him I said hello and to play hard”
“I will. See you soon!”
“Love you!”
“I know”
Ben hung up the phone, pouring himself another drink, sipping it slowly, his thoughts turning to Hunter. Their son.
He came into our lives unexpectedly didn’t he baby. The kid with a smart mouth, already too old and too wise for his years. It was more than a disease that bound us together He had never had the chance of a normal childhood and I wanted to give him that. Show him that he was worthy of love, that a future filled with hopes and dreams was attainable.
It took you a while to accept him I know. Once again I bulldozed my need onto you, expecting you to open your heart and our home to a kid that showed no thanks, who rebuffed our help at every turn. But I could see that he was slowly creeping under your skin and in the end it was you my love, who put his needs before your own. That strength you possess, that very few people ever see, came out in full force, and you took the only option you could see, you ran with him. I worried about you both those days you were gone, but I also knew your decision had been the right one and it had been made with love.
Remember when you returned. All I wanted to do was take you into my arms and never let you go. We spent hours making love, the intensity leaving us breathless, but still wanting and needing each other more and more. We finally let sleep overtake us, bodies wrapped around each other’s, our son asleep in the next room, becoming the family we were meant to be.
So much happened in that year, the memories are swimming around in my head as I write this. Each one of them having their own special reasons to be remembered. But not all of them were good were they. I remember your excitement when Rage was to be made into a movie. Your love of comics and superheroes has always been such a huge part of your life, something you have held onto since childhood and all of a sudden this wonderful opportunity came your way and I had to spoil it for you didn’t I. My jealously took over and I turned to someone else because they offered the words of encouragement that I needed to hear but wasn’t able to accept from you. The thought that I almost betrayed you weighs heavily on my mind still to this day. Without ever voicing the words you knew how I had been tempted but not succumbed to a moment of madness which could have cost me so much, lost all the respect and love you showed me every day. I remember taking you into my arms as we slowly danced together, your small frame fitting perfectly into mine. I couldn’t see your face but I could hear the hurt in your voice as you spoke, leaving me feeling incredibly sad that I had put you through this. We survived another moment of heartache in our lives, caused by unneeded jealously on my part, our love for each other too deep seated for anything to ever break the threads that would bind us together forever.
Vic’s death hit you so hard, losing someone who was such an inspiration and enormous part of your life. You told me of the memories of your younger years and what having him there, to confide in, to go to when the world seemed to be against you, meant to you. He helped in so many ways to shape you into the person you have become and I miss him as much as you do till this day.
Ben paused, the thoughts in his mind leaping ahead faster than he could put them to paper, but not wanting to leave out any memory that lead to the present, the life they had now, the future they had to look forward to.
Memories of the rest of that year are flashing in front of me, the heartache we felt when Hunter was left feeling rejected and unloved once again, and we were helpless to do anything but be there for him, reassuring him, loving him, knowing that this was part of growing up and that, despite what he thought, things would get better and he would find that special person in his life like we found each other.
Our decision to let him come on the Liberty Ride with us, I think, in some ways, took his mind off those worries, gave him something to focus on, and once again become the teenager he needed to be.
The thought that your child maybe born while we were away was in your mind during that time I know, and if you had decided to stay behind I would have stayed with you. But you wanted to have this experience, and it turned into more than a bike ride didn’t it.
I am laying here, a smile on my face, remembering back to sitting on the bus, knowing I had that ring in my pocket, waiting for the right moment to ask you to marry me. When it finally arrived, and I spoke those words which I had wanted to say for such a long time you couldn’t answer me. I thought you would say yes immediately, and I could shout to the world that you would marry me. I searched for a reason for your hesitation, but couldn’t find one. You loved me, of that I had no doubt and I know now that you just had to work things through in your own mind, the thought of marriage was something you had never considered until I voiced those words. I kept reassuring myself that you would realize that this was what was meant to be, that although we didn’t need rings and a piece of paper to prove we were together for life, it was something I wanted to give you. You had given me so much over the years, and placing that ring on your finger, saying our vows, giving myself to you completely for the rest of my life was something I had dreamed of from the first time I laid eyes on you.
Every anniversary I drag out the photo albums, looking at moments of that day caught by a click of a button, seeing the love shining from your brown eyes, the smile tugging at the corner of your mouth when Hunter had to prompt me to say I do, the confetti in our hair, thrown by our family and friends whose presence made it so much more special.
It was a magical time, our wedding, the birth of Jenny Rebecca, your beautiful daughter, who is so blessed to have you as her father. She will never want for love being part of our family of that I am positive, you have so much love to give and I will be forever grateful to be the recipient of that love.
The slamming of the front door bought him back to the present and he gathered up the multitude of pages he had covered with his thoughts and memories, putting them into his book as Michael walked into the room.
“Hey! How was the game?”
“They won!”
“Great!”
“Yeah Hunter was stoked. He played a good game and I told him he could go celebrate with his mates, but he had to be home by 9pm”
“So we have the house to ourselves for a while then?”
“U-huh”
“Mmmmm……how about I just grab a quick shower then we can finish off what we started earlier”
“Sounds good to me”
Michael bent down giving Ben a quick kiss.
“Don’t be long!”
“I won’t”
He watched as Ben walked to the bathroom before taking off his coat, shivering slightly at the chill in the air and looking forward to a few hours snuggled up with Ben in their nice warm bed.
He grabbed Ben’s books off the bed “Shit!” he cursed as they slipped out of his hands and onto the floor.
He bent down, picking up the loose papers, a bemused look on his face, when he saw his name at the top of a page.
He sank onto the bed and began reading the neatly printed words, taking in every sentence, pausing occasionally to back read a paragraph.
“Michael….”
“What’s this?”
“You weren’t meant to read that now”
“When then?”
“Baby…” Ben sighed. “I wrote it for you when…..”
“What what! When you’re……”he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
“Michael…..”
“When you’re no longer with me…”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because…because I wanted you to have something in writing to remember our life by and to know how much I love you”
“You tell me that every day…I don’t need this!”
He began to rip at the pages in anger
“Michael please…. stop…..”
“This is bullshit! I don’t need to see our lives on paper. I don’t want or fucking need a piece of paper to remember it by!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Ben sat next to Michael, grabbing his hands, feeling them trembling, holding them till they were still.
“Michael. Listen to me baby. I didn’t write it for any morbid reason. I was just lying here, thinking about you, about our lives and I found myself writing the words. I didn’t do it to hurt you, to make you think of…”
“Being without you!”
“Yes”
Michael sat quietly, taking in what Ben had said and realizing that perhaps this was something that Ben needed to do for himself. His way of facing the future. Ben never shied away from it the way he did, trying so hard not to think of a time when he would be without his husband, trying so hard to “live in the now” but never quite succeeding.
He looked up at Ben. His brow was furrowed but his eyes were full of love.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that”
“It’s ok”
“No, it’s not. You wrote this with love and I wanted to destroy it.”
“Michael, I don’t want to think about not being here with you, but sometimes, I admit that I do. Death doesn’t scare me, but not being able to hold you does. When I almost lost you in the bombing all I could think was that this wasn’t right. I was the one who was supposed to go first, the one who needed pills to keep myself alive, and I couldn’t bring myself to think about you being taken from me. You have everything to live for.”
“Ben…”
“Listen to me my love. I want to wake up next to you when we are old and grey, I want to be able to listen to your soft breaths as you fall asleep wrapped in my arms forever. Our life is perfect, and sometimes that scares me. But I accept it gratefully, and try not to look for a reason why it shouldn’t stay that way. What I wrote was to tell you what having you in my life means to me, how I cherish every moment we have. Please believe me, when I say I didn’t write it to hurt you or make you think of a time when I am no longer with you”
Michael gave Ben’s hands a reassuring squeeze, his eyes showing a glimmer of unshed tears as he looked up at his husband.
“Are you going to finish it?”
Surprise at Michael’s words crossed Ben’s face.
“Do you want me to?”
Michael mulled the thought over, a slight shiver traveling through his body aware that the next time he would read it he would be without the love of his life, but he knew that Ben’s incredible ability with words to paint a scene from years past was something he would treasure forever. All the memories he had read, written in a few hours of solitude, knowing he had been filling his husband’s thoughts were written in such a way that love radiated from every page. He held onto the thought that there would be many more years of memories to be added and knew that the loneliness and utter desolation that would overcome him when reading back on their lives would be worth it because they would never lose the all consuming and over powering love they shared. It would survive whatever life threw their way and nothing, not even death, could take that from them.
“Yes”
“Thank you”
“I love you”
“I know”
Author: Foreverbm
Timeline: After season 5
Rating: PG - Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderful men, Showtime and Cowlip do, I just spend a lot of time in their heads.
Feedback and Comments welcomed.
Cross posted at
queerasfolkfans and benmikey_fans “Michael will you stop fussing please!”
Michael paused, looking at his husband.
“I am not fussing! Well, ok I am but you know what the doctor told you, you have to stay in bed for the next two days and I just want to make sure you’re comfortable” he replied, continuing to fluff the pillows and straighten out the bedcover,
“I would be more comfortable if you were in here with me!”
“Mmmm…….”
”Is that a yes?”
“I have to get ready to go to Hunter’s game!”
“I know baby….maybe an afternoon nap?”
“I think that could be arranged!”
Michael lent in, kissing Ben and found himself being pulled onto the bed.
“Later!” He managed to stammer out between kisses.
“Promise?”
“I promise!” He gave his husband a long deep kiss “Hold onto that while I’m gone” he whispered, climbing off the bed.
Michael grabbed his coat and scarf and headed to the door, then stopped, looking back at Ben.
“Stay in bed!”
“I will. I want to get some writing done”
“Good, I should be back in a few hours”
”Tell Hunter to play a good game!”
“I will. Love you”
“Love you too brown eyes”
Ben watched Michael leave the room, wishing he could go with him, but the bout of flu had knocked him about harder than he thought and he had to admit he wasn’t feeling up to standing at a basketball court for hours.
He picked up his writing and read back over the last chapter, making a few corrections here and there but his thoughts kept turning back to Michael.
My darling Michael,
I wonder if you know how much I truly love you. I know I say the words every day, but sometimes I worry that the depth of love I have for you comes through in those three little words.
I had never believed in love at first sight but the instant I saw you in your dusty comic book store I was lost and when you looked at me with your brown eyes that seemed to show the window to your soul, I just knew I had to find out everything about you.
Getting to know you was such a delightful experience, learning every small detail of your life made me want to know more, to imagine what you were like as a child, growing up, still unsure of yourself in many ways I think. That was something I loved about you from the start, the way you didn’t realize how beautiful you were, inside and out, how you seemed to have that self doubt about yourself. It made me want to wrap my arms around you and tell you that I would always be there for you, that I loved you just the way you were.
But none of that self doubt showed through when I told you I was positive. Your eyes showed no sign of disgust or fear at that moment, just concern and I thought love.
I know when the actual moment came though, your fears came closing in on you. I want you to know that I although I was hurt at that instant, and when you walked out the door, I did feel anger, it was not at you my love, never at you. It was at myself because I had done something so incredibly stupid years earlier which led to you being afraid, and I understood why you felt that way. You were faced with a situation you knew nothing about, but I had lived with it for so many years and it was a reaction I was used to.
When you came to me days later, wanting to begin again, I could see by your eyes that you had made that decision yourself, with no outside influences and I was so proud of you at the moment but I had to be sure.
All the courage that I knew you possessed came shining through, when you stood and sang to me. I could hear all the love that your eyes had shown from the moment we met in your voice.
Making love to you the first time will stay with me forever. You gave yourself to me completely, trusting me, reassuring me by your touch that this was what was meant to be. If I could have loved you more than I already did it would have been at that moment.
The memories of our first year together are filling my mind as I write this.
Listening to you telling me all about Captain Astro, giving me another precious glimpse into your childhood. Going with you to Mel and Lindsay’s wedding, allowing myself a glimmer of hope that one day this maybe us.
Not all the memories were good though. The feelings of hurt and I think in some ways betrayal you felt when you found out about Brian and I was something I wish hadn’t happened. I should have told you, I know that now, but the occasion never arose and then it was too late. You and Brian have such a history together, and I will always be thankful to him for being there for you while you grew up. He and I may not always see eye to eye, but he loves you, and to me, that makes him a good person and an important part of your life.
You stood up for me against everyone didn’t you my love. I saw you growing in confidence as each month passed but then I had to tear it all down in one instant. You had no idea how I was feeling when I walked into my apartment on the day of my birthday, and instead of taking you aside, explaining what was wrong, I exploded, humiliating you in front of your friends and family. That was unforgivable of me and if you had told me to leave when I came to apologize and explain I would have accepted it as my punishment for hurting you so much. But you understood, as you always do, you could see my fear and knew how to comfort me. You took my hand and led me to the bed, and we spent the night making love, our bodies wrapped in each other’s when we woke, the way I wanted to wake up with you every morning for the rest of my life.
Then, what I always feared happened. I ended up in the hospital. I knew you were there with me every moment, I could sense your presence, hear snatches of your voice. I wanted to wake up, to apologize for putting you through it all, but I didn’t have the strength. I just held onto the thought that you would still be there when I did wake and you were. You made jokes to hide your fear, which I could see so clearly in your eyes.
And how did I thank you for being there, sitting at my bedside day after day; by telling you I needed to go away! Could I have hurt you any more! You didn’t get angry or try to talk me out of it, you didn’t think of yourself just of me; what I wanted and needed. Why did it take me so long to realize that you were all I needed. I loved you but had some stupid idea that you would be better off without me in your life. I should have seen that without you by my side my life would have no meaning.
He paused, taking off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, before putting them back on and counting the pages full of words. Three pages! He had put their first year together in so many words yet there were still many more memories that he had left out. He glanced at the clock, amazed to see an hour had passed since Michael had left. He reached over and poured himself a glass of iced water from the jug Michael had left at his bedside, sipping it slowly, re-reading through what he had written.
That first year passed so quickly didn’t it. Then you asked me to move in with you. I almost suggested that we find our own place but I didn’t think you were ready for that yet. You had so many ties to Liberty Avenue, it had been your whole life for 30 years and although I felt our relationship was going to be forever we still had so much to still learn about each other.
You found out the hard way that I wasn’t the person you thought I was, didn’t you. The dark side of me came to the fore when Paul died. Taking meds every day never let me forget I had this disease but I had learnt to live with it up until that moment. I turned into someone that I hated, but couldn’t stop myself becoming, someone who with one word or look caused you so much pain and heartache. You were there for me, waiting for me to come to you, to talk to you, to tell you of my fears, but I had too much pride. I thought I could do it all alone. Sometimes when I walked up the stairs to our apartment I was terrified that when I opened the door you would be gone. If you had left I would have had no one to blame but myself. But you stayed. You put up with my dark moods, my insensitivity, my silences which cloaked our apartment in darkness even on the brightest days. In the moments when the steroids were not pumping through my veins, I asked myself why you stayed, but I already knew the answer; because you loved me and never lost hope that I would realize what I was doing was going to, not only destroy me, but destroy us as well.
Lying here writing this, I can see you so clearly; holding that needle to your wrist. Seeing the pain on your face, the tears brimming your eyes, hearing the anger and hurt in your words caused something to snap inside my head, making me finally understand that you thought I was worth dying for.
I hated myself and loved you so much at that moment it physically hurt. The strength you have inside that small compact frame never ceases to amaze me. It comes through in abundance when you are fighting for what you believe in. And you always believed in me; in us.
The ringing of the phone pulled him out of his reminiscences
“Hello”
“You still in bed?”
Ben couldn’t help but let a chuckle come through in his voice as he replied.
“Yes Michael, I’m still in bed, waiting patiently for your return”
“Good!”
“How’s the game going?”
“Great! Hunter’s team is 10 points ahead and looking good, from what I know about basketball that is!”
Ben laughed, an image of Michael standing on a basketball court, looking so out of place but still so damn adorable, flashing into his head.
“Tell him I said hello and to play hard”
“I will. See you soon!”
“Love you!”
“I know”
Ben hung up the phone, pouring himself another drink, sipping it slowly, his thoughts turning to Hunter. Their son.
He came into our lives unexpectedly didn’t he baby. The kid with a smart mouth, already too old and too wise for his years. It was more than a disease that bound us together He had never had the chance of a normal childhood and I wanted to give him that. Show him that he was worthy of love, that a future filled with hopes and dreams was attainable.
It took you a while to accept him I know. Once again I bulldozed my need onto you, expecting you to open your heart and our home to a kid that showed no thanks, who rebuffed our help at every turn. But I could see that he was slowly creeping under your skin and in the end it was you my love, who put his needs before your own. That strength you possess, that very few people ever see, came out in full force, and you took the only option you could see, you ran with him. I worried about you both those days you were gone, but I also knew your decision had been the right one and it had been made with love.
Remember when you returned. All I wanted to do was take you into my arms and never let you go. We spent hours making love, the intensity leaving us breathless, but still wanting and needing each other more and more. We finally let sleep overtake us, bodies wrapped around each other’s, our son asleep in the next room, becoming the family we were meant to be.
So much happened in that year, the memories are swimming around in my head as I write this. Each one of them having their own special reasons to be remembered. But not all of them were good were they. I remember your excitement when Rage was to be made into a movie. Your love of comics and superheroes has always been such a huge part of your life, something you have held onto since childhood and all of a sudden this wonderful opportunity came your way and I had to spoil it for you didn’t I. My jealously took over and I turned to someone else because they offered the words of encouragement that I needed to hear but wasn’t able to accept from you. The thought that I almost betrayed you weighs heavily on my mind still to this day. Without ever voicing the words you knew how I had been tempted but not succumbed to a moment of madness which could have cost me so much, lost all the respect and love you showed me every day. I remember taking you into my arms as we slowly danced together, your small frame fitting perfectly into mine. I couldn’t see your face but I could hear the hurt in your voice as you spoke, leaving me feeling incredibly sad that I had put you through this. We survived another moment of heartache in our lives, caused by unneeded jealously on my part, our love for each other too deep seated for anything to ever break the threads that would bind us together forever.
Vic’s death hit you so hard, losing someone who was such an inspiration and enormous part of your life. You told me of the memories of your younger years and what having him there, to confide in, to go to when the world seemed to be against you, meant to you. He helped in so many ways to shape you into the person you have become and I miss him as much as you do till this day.
Ben paused, the thoughts in his mind leaping ahead faster than he could put them to paper, but not wanting to leave out any memory that lead to the present, the life they had now, the future they had to look forward to.
Memories of the rest of that year are flashing in front of me, the heartache we felt when Hunter was left feeling rejected and unloved once again, and we were helpless to do anything but be there for him, reassuring him, loving him, knowing that this was part of growing up and that, despite what he thought, things would get better and he would find that special person in his life like we found each other.
Our decision to let him come on the Liberty Ride with us, I think, in some ways, took his mind off those worries, gave him something to focus on, and once again become the teenager he needed to be.
The thought that your child maybe born while we were away was in your mind during that time I know, and if you had decided to stay behind I would have stayed with you. But you wanted to have this experience, and it turned into more than a bike ride didn’t it.
I am laying here, a smile on my face, remembering back to sitting on the bus, knowing I had that ring in my pocket, waiting for the right moment to ask you to marry me. When it finally arrived, and I spoke those words which I had wanted to say for such a long time you couldn’t answer me. I thought you would say yes immediately, and I could shout to the world that you would marry me. I searched for a reason for your hesitation, but couldn’t find one. You loved me, of that I had no doubt and I know now that you just had to work things through in your own mind, the thought of marriage was something you had never considered until I voiced those words. I kept reassuring myself that you would realize that this was what was meant to be, that although we didn’t need rings and a piece of paper to prove we were together for life, it was something I wanted to give you. You had given me so much over the years, and placing that ring on your finger, saying our vows, giving myself to you completely for the rest of my life was something I had dreamed of from the first time I laid eyes on you.
Every anniversary I drag out the photo albums, looking at moments of that day caught by a click of a button, seeing the love shining from your brown eyes, the smile tugging at the corner of your mouth when Hunter had to prompt me to say I do, the confetti in our hair, thrown by our family and friends whose presence made it so much more special.
It was a magical time, our wedding, the birth of Jenny Rebecca, your beautiful daughter, who is so blessed to have you as her father. She will never want for love being part of our family of that I am positive, you have so much love to give and I will be forever grateful to be the recipient of that love.
The slamming of the front door bought him back to the present and he gathered up the multitude of pages he had covered with his thoughts and memories, putting them into his book as Michael walked into the room.
“Hey! How was the game?”
“They won!”
“Great!”
“Yeah Hunter was stoked. He played a good game and I told him he could go celebrate with his mates, but he had to be home by 9pm”
“So we have the house to ourselves for a while then?”
“U-huh”
“Mmmmm……how about I just grab a quick shower then we can finish off what we started earlier”
“Sounds good to me”
Michael bent down giving Ben a quick kiss.
“Don’t be long!”
“I won’t”
He watched as Ben walked to the bathroom before taking off his coat, shivering slightly at the chill in the air and looking forward to a few hours snuggled up with Ben in their nice warm bed.
He grabbed Ben’s books off the bed “Shit!” he cursed as they slipped out of his hands and onto the floor.
He bent down, picking up the loose papers, a bemused look on his face, when he saw his name at the top of a page.
He sank onto the bed and began reading the neatly printed words, taking in every sentence, pausing occasionally to back read a paragraph.
“Michael….”
“What’s this?”
“You weren’t meant to read that now”
“When then?”
“Baby…” Ben sighed. “I wrote it for you when…..”
“What what! When you’re……”he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
“Michael…..”
“When you’re no longer with me…”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because…because I wanted you to have something in writing to remember our life by and to know how much I love you”
“You tell me that every day…I don’t need this!”
He began to rip at the pages in anger
“Michael please…. stop…..”
“This is bullshit! I don’t need to see our lives on paper. I don’t want or fucking need a piece of paper to remember it by!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Ben sat next to Michael, grabbing his hands, feeling them trembling, holding them till they were still.
“Michael. Listen to me baby. I didn’t write it for any morbid reason. I was just lying here, thinking about you, about our lives and I found myself writing the words. I didn’t do it to hurt you, to make you think of…”
“Being without you!”
“Yes”
Michael sat quietly, taking in what Ben had said and realizing that perhaps this was something that Ben needed to do for himself. His way of facing the future. Ben never shied away from it the way he did, trying so hard not to think of a time when he would be without his husband, trying so hard to “live in the now” but never quite succeeding.
He looked up at Ben. His brow was furrowed but his eyes were full of love.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that”
“It’s ok”
“No, it’s not. You wrote this with love and I wanted to destroy it.”
“Michael, I don’t want to think about not being here with you, but sometimes, I admit that I do. Death doesn’t scare me, but not being able to hold you does. When I almost lost you in the bombing all I could think was that this wasn’t right. I was the one who was supposed to go first, the one who needed pills to keep myself alive, and I couldn’t bring myself to think about you being taken from me. You have everything to live for.”
“Ben…”
“Listen to me my love. I want to wake up next to you when we are old and grey, I want to be able to listen to your soft breaths as you fall asleep wrapped in my arms forever. Our life is perfect, and sometimes that scares me. But I accept it gratefully, and try not to look for a reason why it shouldn’t stay that way. What I wrote was to tell you what having you in my life means to me, how I cherish every moment we have. Please believe me, when I say I didn’t write it to hurt you or make you think of a time when I am no longer with you”
Michael gave Ben’s hands a reassuring squeeze, his eyes showing a glimmer of unshed tears as he looked up at his husband.
“Are you going to finish it?”
Surprise at Michael’s words crossed Ben’s face.
“Do you want me to?”
Michael mulled the thought over, a slight shiver traveling through his body aware that the next time he would read it he would be without the love of his life, but he knew that Ben’s incredible ability with words to paint a scene from years past was something he would treasure forever. All the memories he had read, written in a few hours of solitude, knowing he had been filling his husband’s thoughts were written in such a way that love radiated from every page. He held onto the thought that there would be many more years of memories to be added and knew that the loneliness and utter desolation that would overcome him when reading back on their lives would be worth it because they would never lose the all consuming and over powering love they shared. It would survive whatever life threw their way and nothing, not even death, could take that from them.
“Yes”
“Thank you”
“I love you”
“I know”
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Just wanted to say that your icon is gorgeous (not to say SEXY). :)
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